My son is 26, has permanent employment, independent living and car.
A few years ago he was accused of a crime but acquitted. He underwent a separation of a year ago, which he initiated. I think he has feelings of guilt and that he has not worked any of these incidents.
He often says that he feels lonely. He has friends and family but no actual interests or activities outside of work.
He turns to me with great confidence, which basically I'm happy and thankful for.
Since last summer, his recurrent felt bad, had trouble sleeping and has what I would call obsessions. The thoughts about different things, and right now he is unhappy in love.
Now and then calling or texting him to me, for example, when I'm at work and says he feels bad. That he did not do more. I get very stressed and feel I need to set boundaries. I have told how I experience it, and then he asks for forgiveness, takes on guilt and says he is useless. What I try to guide him and give support so he dismisses it all, "it's no use."
Help me, how can I help my son? He does not want to go to a psychologist.
Zusanna
Hi Zusanna
I can not assess the severity of the events that your son has been through is for him, it only just himself. I will say, however, what I spontaneously think, is that some setbacks we all have in life. Separations, for example, is the majority of young people through several pieces without for the sake of completely giving up on life. There also seems to be a lot of things in your son's life that works well. Yes even better than most, because it's not every 26-year-olds who have both a fixed job and own housing and car.
What I mean by this is that I in him sense a vulnerability to life's challenges suggests that it might not just outside circumstances that makes him feel so bad? We humans are the fact of the plane; some just gets up and "Brush off the dust" from completely overwhelming difficult situations, while others become overwhelmed by something that another would hardly have perceived as a violation or failure.
You also take up your son suffers from a lot of obsessions. Just obsessions, and other anxiety symptoms, though often triggered by an external event, but it needs definitely a genetic disposition for developing a more severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. This may be worthwhile to have in your mind when you think about what kind of treatment your son would need. It is for instance not likely to get rid of severe obsessions solely by talking through and process their separation or other life circumstances. They require specific treatment for the compulsion.
Now's your problem might not primarily what treatment your son need, he refuses himself to accept help. Besides your help then. And there seems to have been a little destructive patterns between you. You write that you are glad to have his trust and that he is so open to you, and of course that is something that all parents would appreciate. But I still get the impression that this openness is something your son does not give you completely "free", if I may allow myself to apply financial terms of relationship pattern. Transparency you get for the price of that you must always be there for him, because it's only you will do as interlocutors.
The fact that a conversation does not seem to have led to any lasting improvement, you would actually be able to say that your call also performs the function that your son will not have to seek real help for their problems. That is to say that he can continue to dedicate themselves to dwell on and complain (and receive comfort and understanding in exchange) instead of to make changes, such as quitting to complain. It is namely so that ältande calls have no curative effect, but rather helps to consolidate depressive feelings.
Another thing you bring up is the oscillation between guilt and rejection that your son practice. Once you sometimes do not do more, or simply need to do your job, so the result is that he "takes on debt" and explains itself useless. It may superficially sound humble, but're actually just a nice euphemism for you to hurt him by rejecting him. Through its circumlocutions so he's signaling that it is you who thinks he's so useless, so you are not willing to take the time for him. He himself, however, may reject you, when you come with adequate proposed solutions to his problems. But even there, done it implicitly, when his rejections urgently presented as a kind of "symptoms", ie in terms of apathy and boredom.
This you can continue for long. Because the person who places the responsibility for his life outside himself; the individual events, on you, or on its own "failure". And with you that oscillate between trying to set up what he asks you, even though you realize that it does not lead anywhere, and between trying to assert your right to your own life. So in my opinion, you have absolutely right that you have to start setting boundaries - both for your own sake and for his sake - for none of you is feeling better these destructive relationship patterns.
Consider carefully what you can imagine; when you are available for phone calls, how long they will be and what you're willing to talk to him about and what recommendations you should stick to. Stay up then to these rules. That last one is crucial, because every deviation you make from your rules will lead to that you are back to square one again, and you must start over restoring your limits.
You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Author and Writer about Mental Health Training and Life Coach Therapist Mr Chris Savage on my various social media channels here.
A few years ago he was accused of a crime but acquitted. He underwent a separation of a year ago, which he initiated. I think he has feelings of guilt and that he has not worked any of these incidents.
He often says that he feels lonely. He has friends and family but no actual interests or activities outside of work.
He turns to me with great confidence, which basically I'm happy and thankful for.
Since last summer, his recurrent felt bad, had trouble sleeping and has what I would call obsessions. The thoughts about different things, and right now he is unhappy in love.
Now and then calling or texting him to me, for example, when I'm at work and says he feels bad. That he did not do more. I get very stressed and feel I need to set boundaries. I have told how I experience it, and then he asks for forgiveness, takes on guilt and says he is useless. What I try to guide him and give support so he dismisses it all, "it's no use."
Help me, how can I help my son? He does not want to go to a psychologist.
Zusanna
Hi Zusanna
I can not assess the severity of the events that your son has been through is for him, it only just himself. I will say, however, what I spontaneously think, is that some setbacks we all have in life. Separations, for example, is the majority of young people through several pieces without for the sake of completely giving up on life. There also seems to be a lot of things in your son's life that works well. Yes even better than most, because it's not every 26-year-olds who have both a fixed job and own housing and car.
What I mean by this is that I in him sense a vulnerability to life's challenges suggests that it might not just outside circumstances that makes him feel so bad? We humans are the fact of the plane; some just gets up and "Brush off the dust" from completely overwhelming difficult situations, while others become overwhelmed by something that another would hardly have perceived as a violation or failure.
You also take up your son suffers from a lot of obsessions. Just obsessions, and other anxiety symptoms, though often triggered by an external event, but it needs definitely a genetic disposition for developing a more severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. This may be worthwhile to have in your mind when you think about what kind of treatment your son would need. It is for instance not likely to get rid of severe obsessions solely by talking through and process their separation or other life circumstances. They require specific treatment for the compulsion.
Now's your problem might not primarily what treatment your son need, he refuses himself to accept help. Besides your help then. And there seems to have been a little destructive patterns between you. You write that you are glad to have his trust and that he is so open to you, and of course that is something that all parents would appreciate. But I still get the impression that this openness is something your son does not give you completely "free", if I may allow myself to apply financial terms of relationship pattern. Transparency you get for the price of that you must always be there for him, because it's only you will do as interlocutors.
The fact that a conversation does not seem to have led to any lasting improvement, you would actually be able to say that your call also performs the function that your son will not have to seek real help for their problems. That is to say that he can continue to dedicate themselves to dwell on and complain (and receive comfort and understanding in exchange) instead of to make changes, such as quitting to complain. It is namely so that ältande calls have no curative effect, but rather helps to consolidate depressive feelings.
Another thing you bring up is the oscillation between guilt and rejection that your son practice. Once you sometimes do not do more, or simply need to do your job, so the result is that he "takes on debt" and explains itself useless. It may superficially sound humble, but're actually just a nice euphemism for you to hurt him by rejecting him. Through its circumlocutions so he's signaling that it is you who thinks he's so useless, so you are not willing to take the time for him. He himself, however, may reject you, when you come with adequate proposed solutions to his problems. But even there, done it implicitly, when his rejections urgently presented as a kind of "symptoms", ie in terms of apathy and boredom.
This you can continue for long. Because the person who places the responsibility for his life outside himself; the individual events, on you, or on its own "failure". And with you that oscillate between trying to set up what he asks you, even though you realize that it does not lead anywhere, and between trying to assert your right to your own life. So in my opinion, you have absolutely right that you have to start setting boundaries - both for your own sake and for his sake - for none of you is feeling better these destructive relationship patterns.
Consider carefully what you can imagine; when you are available for phone calls, how long they will be and what you're willing to talk to him about and what recommendations you should stick to. Stay up then to these rules. That last one is crucial, because every deviation you make from your rules will lead to that you are back to square one again, and you must start over restoring your limits.
You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Author and Writer about Mental Health Training and Life Coach Therapist Mr Chris Savage on my various social media channels here.
