I ended the friendship, which I now regret, and do not know now how I should do to get back our friendship again?

Hello life coach

I miss my old best friend so much, and we did not hang out anymore. Due to that I said up and completed all our contact for quite a while ago.

But now in retrospect seems like it would be something that we should have been able to have solved instead, and this after this long and deep friendship that we had before together. But I was pretty damn hurt at the time.

Now it's been a while, and I have increasingly begun to realize that I miss my friend, and I would like nothing more than that everything was as it was before.

But my dilemma is that I do not dare to make contact again, and do not know how I should do to regain our friendship?

Movits


Hi Movits

The real art of apologizing

There is a story of two Jewish men who had survived the extermination camp. The men met after many years and spoke of what they had. One of them asked the other:

- Have you forgiven the Nazis?

- Yes, I've done that, replied the other.

- It's not me. I'm still filled with hatred and resentment against them for everything they did to us.

- In that case, my friend exclaimed the other, so they will keep you still captive in the camp.

The moral of this story is obvious -to forgive makes us winners, not losers. But is this really? Is not it rather insulting to suggest that the liberation from hatred and resentment of the survivor above is in fact the forgiveness?

But if we leave those horrific acts Nazis and Englas murderer guilty and instead discuss forgiveness in "everyday life". Certainly it is good to apologize? And it sure feels good when someone who has hurt us apologize! Or? Well, it depends on how and why the apology is performed, according to an article in Psychology Today (2/122012). The writer (Mark Goulston) illustrates the following dialogue between a father and son, the difference between the reflexively apologize and take responsibility for their actions:

“C’mon dad, just let me do this. I will take full responsibility for what happens.”

His dad replied, “Did you know that taking full responsibility means that if it goes wrong, you will willingly pay all the consequences without any argument, make amends and then correct what happened so it never goes wrong again?”

His son said, “I didn’t agree to that.”

His dad said, “Well what do you think taking full responsibility means?”

His son replied, “It means that if anything goes wrong, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry.’”

According to the American psychiatrist Pete Linnett shows the way we apologize on, if we have really understood our guilt and feel remorse. They are different ways to apologize on:

The obligatory apology: We apologize that we need or should be, and to be able to move on, not because we really feel deep within us that we have done wrong.

The honest excuse: It means we are honest when we express our apologies. But despite it's main purpose still be able to let go of what has happened and move on. The excuse is neither false or dishonest, but far from sufficient for it to feel really good for the recipient.

The heartfelt apology meant (heartfelt apology) is when we look at people as we have done evil straight in the eye when we apologize and really conveys our repentance. Through this we are signaling, "I have behaved badly and I know I made you sad and disappointed and that it will take a while before you have got to trust me again."

An obligatory apology is about wanting to get someone off your back;

a sincere apology is about wanting to be let off the hook;

a heartfelt apology is about wanting to repair a relationship

But what to do if it sincerely believed the apology is not accepted? If the recipient even scold us? Yes, according Linnet should say the following:

"I'm sorry you feel as you do, but I understand your reaction. What I did to you, you did not just sad, it hurt you in the soul and urförbannad ".

Then, wait. Quite a long time. If the person did not accept the apology after six months, it's no longer about you is unforgivable, but that the other person is implacable. And it requires a different type of processing.

If you want to see a video with a very good guidance on how to actually do, and to really apologize for real, so click on the video link.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.

How do you build and get loyalty and trust to other people?

Hi Coach

I have a friend. As has been very difficult to trust someone else, and it creates a lot of problems for my friend.

As for exemple. My friend have been very difficult to find and get some new friends, and therefore living my friend a depressed and very lonely life.

How do you build and get loyalty and trust back to other people?

Thank you for your help in advance, and an absolutely fantastic question and answer site you have here.

Mira


Hi Mira

The putty in every relationship and lubricant in all communication is trust. When we have confidence in anyone, we take in and listen but we also open up and share. The times reliance shortcomings, we feel how we pull ourselves together and back. Both body and soul.

Trust does not come by itself. It needs to be built and run. In the beginning, the frail but if we behave in the right way it can grow so strong that it can withstand a lot of hard knocks.

Here are my top 10 tips on how to create and maintain the loyalty and trust.

1. Be present
We all want to be seen and noticed, and the showing us the respect lost our trust. Being present means that you are available and receptive to someone else in time, space and mind. Listen, feel in and open up.

2. Keep your promises
When you stand by your words you will be reliable. You become a person to be reckoned with. Suspicion and doubt when you repeatedly fail your promises. It does not matter how acceptable you think they are.

3. If you have to betray a promise to talk about it as soon as possible
Although we intend to keep a promise, life can get in the way. Factors that we can not influence could thwart our plans and calculations. If you're gonna have to break your promise let your counterpart know about it as soon as possible.

4. Say sorry when you made the wrong
We all make mistakes and treading in autoclaves. When you are concerned that confidence is restored ask you to apologize for the incident and offer to repair or compensate for the damage suffered.

5. Be honest, but not brutally frank
When you say what you mean and mean what you say you are perceived as honest and trustworthy. But if you constantly tell your truths to others without consideration and respect, you are so brutal in your sincerity that it creates distance and discomfort rather than closeness and trust.

6. Be loyal
It is said in confidence to stay between four ears. What about the personal and private should only be told by the person it affects. How harmless you may judge it. Another form of disloyalty are talking about someone rather than to the person in question. Therefore say never anything about anyone that you can not stand for when you meet on-one.

7. Take the bull by the horns
If you grab things and not ducking discomfort and conflicts win ambient confidence. Others can trust that you are a person put your own comfort aside when necessary. Daring to highlight what is doubtful, and what you think is wrong is not only courageous, but also an action that builds trust.

8. Be yourself
Being yourself requires that you know yourself so well that you do not need to hide something for yourself. When you know who you are, it becomes much easier to be the same no matter what role you hold or what stage you are at. You can choose what you want to highlight and illuminate but the core remains the same. This way you will be credible.

9. Be consistent
When you behave in the same way over and over again, you are predictable, which provides security for your environment. And when you do that you said you will be clear and consistent, because your words match your actions. Your surroundings can trust that you mean what you say.

10. Rely on the second
Trust is a palindrome. The word is the same forwards as backwards. If you want to build trust, you must also give trust. You need to let go and give responsibility. You need to begin to trust others but also that things will work out for the best. Although you can not control. That trust is not the same as to know for sure. Trusting means that you believe. Although you do not know.

I hope your friend manages to build up and get back trust and loyalty to other people again, and that's even if your friend has become considerably burnt earlier on and in different friendships.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.

Where go the limit for when I being manipulated and exploited by any person or my friends?

Hello life coach

I have questions about an issue.

When and how do I know that a friend just uses me, and this is to only pull their own benefit of our close friendship?

I have a friend that I always stand by and help with a lot of different things, and I never requiring anything in return.

Often give up and shoot up my own things that I would have done, and for that I instead choose to stand up for my friend who asks for help.

Those few times I ask for something. So says my friend often that this is busy with some other important things and, therefore, can not help me.

My friend also says that one should and can not expect and demand nothing in return. And of those you really love and are even really near and dear friends. Is it really good and close and good friends, so require or expect you never to get anything back from them, and think you like this, you can never be disappointed with your friends, says my friend.

Is my friend right in what is said, or is it just a way to manipulate me, and to be able to use me to all possible things?

Thanks in advance for your help and your response

Christi


Hi Christi

It is not always easy to tell if a friend using you or if the person is a true friend. However, there are certain situations or characteristics that affect how they relate to you is very special and that makes it easy to see through a negative friendship or when someone approaches with false intentions.

But here you have 4 different things that you can even transfer and check if your friend manipulates and exploits you.

They hear only when they need something

This is the basic property at a false or self-serving friendships; your friend hears only himself when he needs something from you. It can be very simple things; which lend a book or bussing person somewhere, but also more complicated situations, like t. ex. lend money.

To help your friends is a sign of love and care, but if you begin to notice that a person just come to you to ask for things, it may be time to put a limit or put an end to the situation.

They go out with friends without inviting you

It is quite natural to want to be our friends get to know each other and socialize on-one. But if someone who recently became a part of your circle of friends begins to go out with your friends without inviting you, and virtually hide this, it can be a warning sign.

It is important to be objective about this situation arises because it is sometimes easy to feel a bit threatened or jealous without any real basis. That is why it is recommended to analyze the situation very well before you take away from the person.

They use your personal information for their own benefit

Some false friends approaching you with the sole purpose of getting information about you that can be used to their advantage. Although this situation may be very obvious, you may still not take it all seriously.

This can manifest itself in many different kinds of situations, so you should be alert. It may be that the friend is trying to use your contact details for a job or to get benefits under your name. You can get involved in misunderstandings or serious problems with your contacts without having any idea what was happening.

You constantly get slammed

A true friendship is sincere and not self-serving, but at times we need our friends' help. It may be that you need someone to listen, a service, or that they help you in certain situations. If you notice that your friend always refuses to help you, it is probably not a very sincere friendship.

This point is closely related to the first point, then it is very common in false friendship that the person always asks you for help or trying to take advantage of you, but disappear when you need something.

Far from all the people we meet in our lives has the intention to exploit us or bring us harm, but it is important to be alert to avoid being exploited by those who have such intentions.

But if any seats in all four criteria above. You should immediately dispose of those friends, and completely get rid of them from your life. For they are no friends, only people who manipulate and exploit you because you are good and kind person.

And if someone shows signs of any of those four criteria above. Will you be observant and vigilant about this person. For it is a sure sign. That this is a man who would take a lot more than it really wants to give back to you as a friend.

I hope my answer is helpful to you, and that they address themselves to you, which precise friends you should keep or not in your life.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.

I can not understand why I feel so alone, and what this loneliness feeling can depend on when I am with my own friends nowadays?

Hello life counselor

I feel so alone when I am with my own friends nowadays.

I can not understand why I feel so alone, and what this loneliness feeling can depend on?

Greetings

Liselott


Hello Liselott

You feel alone in your friendships. Maybe because you have had a role in your real friendship bonds that you do not feel comfortable with.

Amanda says that she usually get the position of the listener in their companionship.

 - And it's a role that I have begun to tire of. I have several friends who are strong and forward and talk a lot about themselves, and the relationship with them, I find it difficult to break in and take a seat. It tends to be that I get tired of waiting for them to ask "how are you then?"; I fall silent and listen, and try to solve their problems instead. I'm certainly tired of it, but we've been friends for so long now. These roles are cemented as well.

My friends, however, would probably describe me as a kind person who is calm, quiet and listens well, and do not need so much space.

I know I can not expect them to wake up and see that I have more demands on our friendship. I have to start asking yourself the requirements, she says.

Ulrika tells us in turn that she often gets the role of "organizer" in groups.
- Sure, I like to fix and organize things, but I had not imagined that I would get this role full time. I took on the responsibility for our joint Friday breakfasts at work. Since then it has become who I am planner, I expected to stay in everything from purchasing things from IKEA, to know the coffee machine that will be the best in the kitchen, or remember how often should water the flowers, she says.

Becoming aware of the role that you usually take in friendships is the first step towards better friendships!

If you do not feel comfortable with your role, and not feel that you have permission to be "yourself", so it may be the reason why you feel you have too few genuine friends.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.

I feel confused and my question are what real friendship is, and how do I know when we are real friends? Here are 8 tips and answers for those who want to find new friends!

Hello Mr. life coach

I often feel confused about how I feel when I'm with different people that I meet.

So I wonder what is real friendship? How do I know we are real friends?

Grateful for an answer to my question here.

Mariam


Hi Miriam

It is easy to be pompous and a little romantic strung when you talk about friendship.

Perhaps you're thinking that true friends are those who, like just take you. You can pick up where you left off, though you have not seen for several months. And when you first met, I knew both of you at once that just the two of you would become good friends ...

It may be just such exaggerated expectations of friendship behind you actually feel rather lonely today ...

Lillian B Rubin, American social psychologist and psychotherapist based in San Francisco, is a world renowned expert on friendship. She hits a happy kind of "everyday friendship", as we have with colleagues at work, or with a workout buddy as we jump in pace with. "All these people that we are a bit conciliatory call 'familiar' also has a great value in life," she says.

Familiarize living is as important as soul mates

Actually, we should not compare them with each other or the rate much. We simply need all kinds of friends. Many times, every-day relations develop into a more intimate friendship relationship later. Some friendships will take several years to mature up, but could then, on the other hand, keeping the longer, perhaps for life.

Hard to know if one's friends "for real"

Complicating friendships is that it is quite difficult to know if they really have become friends or not.

When Lillian B Rubin did interviews and followed up friendships threads across acquaintance circuits, so she discovered that the entire 64 percent not at all mentioned the person they themselves had said was their best or close friend. 64% of your friends see you, maybe not as a friend at all. Horrible thought!

Should we go back to the primitive of friendship and require mixed blood and two tightly compressed thumbs? Or is it perhaps time to see the friendship in a new way? Perhaps as a mood we are in, and that no other more than we can tell whether it is genuine or not?

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.