I ended the friendship, which I now regret, and do not know now how I should do to get back our friendship again?

Hello life coach

I miss my old best friend so much, and we did not hang out anymore. Due to that I said up and completed all our contact for quite a while ago.

But now in retrospect seems like it would be something that we should have been able to have solved instead, and this after this long and deep friendship that we had before together. But I was pretty damn hurt at the time.

Now it's been a while, and I have increasingly begun to realize that I miss my friend, and I would like nothing more than that everything was as it was before.

But my dilemma is that I do not dare to make contact again, and do not know how I should do to regain our friendship?

Movits


Hi Movits

The real art of apologizing

There is a story of two Jewish men who had survived the extermination camp. The men met after many years and spoke of what they had. One of them asked the other:

- Have you forgiven the Nazis?

- Yes, I've done that, replied the other.

- It's not me. I'm still filled with hatred and resentment against them for everything they did to us.

- In that case, my friend exclaimed the other, so they will keep you still captive in the camp.

The moral of this story is obvious -to forgive makes us winners, not losers. But is this really? Is not it rather insulting to suggest that the liberation from hatred and resentment of the survivor above is in fact the forgiveness?

But if we leave those horrific acts Nazis and Englas murderer guilty and instead discuss forgiveness in "everyday life". Certainly it is good to apologize? And it sure feels good when someone who has hurt us apologize! Or? Well, it depends on how and why the apology is performed, according to an article in Psychology Today (2/122012). The writer (Mark Goulston) illustrates the following dialogue between a father and son, the difference between the reflexively apologize and take responsibility for their actions:

“C’mon dad, just let me do this. I will take full responsibility for what happens.”

His dad replied, “Did you know that taking full responsibility means that if it goes wrong, you will willingly pay all the consequences without any argument, make amends and then correct what happened so it never goes wrong again?”

His son said, “I didn’t agree to that.”

His dad said, “Well what do you think taking full responsibility means?”

His son replied, “It means that if anything goes wrong, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry.’”

According to the American psychiatrist Pete Linnett shows the way we apologize on, if we have really understood our guilt and feel remorse. They are different ways to apologize on:

The obligatory apology: We apologize that we need or should be, and to be able to move on, not because we really feel deep within us that we have done wrong.

The honest excuse: It means we are honest when we express our apologies. But despite it's main purpose still be able to let go of what has happened and move on. The excuse is neither false or dishonest, but far from sufficient for it to feel really good for the recipient.

The heartfelt apology meant (heartfelt apology) is when we look at people as we have done evil straight in the eye when we apologize and really conveys our repentance. Through this we are signaling, "I have behaved badly and I know I made you sad and disappointed and that it will take a while before you have got to trust me again."

An obligatory apology is about wanting to get someone off your back;

a sincere apology is about wanting to be let off the hook;

a heartfelt apology is about wanting to repair a relationship

But what to do if it sincerely believed the apology is not accepted? If the recipient even scold us? Yes, according Linnet should say the following:

"I'm sorry you feel as you do, but I understand your reaction. What I did to you, you did not just sad, it hurt you in the soul and urförbannad ".

Then, wait. Quite a long time. If the person did not accept the apology after six months, it's no longer about you is unforgivable, but that the other person is implacable. And it requires a different type of processing.

If you want to see a video with a very good guidance on how to actually do, and to really apologize for real, so click on the video link.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.

How and what can I do to a wound not be opened up again every fall and winter of grief for my dead parents?

Hi Coach

I lost my father nine years old. And every fall / winter open my wound again. I bleed inside and do not know what I'm going to go.

Every year this time, I read books about grief, writes about dad, trying to process. I want to cry but I can not. It only hurts, and it has done so much for so long.

In spring and summer I can think off. But the autumn, with reflection and consideration.Hi Coach

I lost my father nine years old. And every fall / winter open my wound again. I bleed inside and do not know what I'm going to go.

Every year this time, I read books about grief, writes about dad, trying to process. I want to cry but I can not. It only hurts, and it has done so much for so long.

In spring and summer I can think off. But the autumn, with reflection and consideration.

I get destructive thoughts but has a social context around it so that I can handle them. It may be more about: "Think how nice it would be if I was involved in an accident so I had to be looked after," or "hope dad is waiting for me, because I'm not ready to die yet."

When I was younger, I tried to tear myself with nails. Teenage outbreaks could do so that I ripped and tore at my hair. I also cried out loud that I wanted the mother would take me, and all of us to psych. A cry for help: please help me to get in touch with someone I can talk to. But it was dismissed with reference to the stigma that is still going to psych. Or that our problems were not so serious.

Now I'm 26. Working life and active leisure keeps me going. I have been a quiet workplace so now I feel that I can focus on the grief for a while. How can you do? What can trigger me cry. For it would be so nice?

But what should I do to not have hurt so much that I have sometimes? So much that I'm shaking inside - when I allow myself.

At the moment I made contact with a pastor, I feel confident. Partly because he could see me right immediately. Partly because it is free and a good start to maybe start talking about it that hurts. Evil will always remain inside?

Dad's last Christmas he was sick, it was not my dad who had leave then, he was not the same. He died a few weeks later.

Do I have to accept that it will do so this hurts the rest of my life? Is there nothing I can do to make it hurt less?

Grateful for the help and good advice from you life coach!

Sarah


Hi Sarah

You should consult a psychologist for therapy in order to process your grief for your father. So here, 15 years later, it should not have to do so much and be as painful as it is for you. Did you get help when you were a child, to process the grief it had not been so. Then you had been able to remember your father and feel differently than you do today. It is true that you probably felt a regret, but the pain you feel now suggesting that your grief is stuck and hung.

How can it be when for some reason not given the opportunity to mourn. As you describe it, there was no one who understood how you felt, and thus you got no help. Grief is a process that often can see.

When the awful happens usually end up in shock and not able to take in what has happened. Then the reaction phase where it reacts in a variety of ways. Then release the shock and you feel. Then follows a time of processing and finally begin to find a way to work again despite - and with - it has happened.

A child whose parent dies, usually need support to deal with the infinitely great regret that means a beloved parent leaves the child. Maybe you had none at all to talk to? Maybe your mother is not available to you? You tried to attract attention but was off whisk that it would be shameful to seek help.

It is nevertheless remarkable that your mother or other adults in your neighborhood did not understand to help you with your great sorrow. And if your mom and others around themselves were busy with their own grief had really wished that your call-to-help attempts later had been taken seriously. But that was sadly not.

Now you are 26 years old and adult enough to take your frozen grief seriously. Find a life coach or a psychologist / psychotherapist. You can ask for with your family doctor where to turn to you, or find a livcoach on the internet like me here who can help you.

Wait no longer now, but make sure you get help.

You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.