Hi coach
I am a soon 23 year old woman who just started a university education. My "problem" may sound trite, but I find it very debilitating. Briefly, I spend an awful lot of my time to dwell on that I never had a boyfriend and worry that I will never get anywhere.
I go from blaming myself, to feel "abnormal" and unattractive, being self-pitying, etc., to feel the sheer panic that I will never fall in love and have a relationship. I realize how ridiculous it is, and I will certainly meet with somebody, it's only a matter of time, etc., but then I continue to brood and brood. My brooding can ruin a whole day for me and make me miserable, distracted, unsociable and taciturn. I become bitter and jealous when I see couples, and feel like everyone in my age either have, or have had, a relationship.
For about half a year ago I was depressed and then be this brooding most focused that I had never had sex. It went so far that I drank myself blind drunk, went out at the pub, and followed the first best thing to home. Was feeling after this horribly bad !! My obsession at this point becomes even stronger when I've been drinking, and I'm afraid that I can do something I'll regret again in a drunken state.
I want to know how to get rid of these "obsessions" and stop seeing myself as "abnormal". Do not know if this pondering really has to do with poor self-esteem or confirmation needs.
Grateful for answers and good advice on how I can get help with this!
Mira
Hi Mira
Thank you for your question. You talk about your dwelling and brooding, and when you do, you describe a very common human behavior.
Let's start here. You wonder what ältande really is. The psychologist Olle Wadström describes in the book Stop dwelling and pondering in a concrete and instructive how dwelling works and how to overcome it with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy. I recommend you to read the book as self-help.
Dwellings thoughts. Our dwelling is often futile attempts to find answers to questions you can not answer. It is sometimes also our way of thinking trying to protect us from anxiety or an anxiety that we have. We dwell happily also things that we think is embarrassing to ask about or talk about.
You wonder if ältande's "obsessions" and if it is with "low self esteem" to do. What we do know is that psychological state as obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder often have elements of persistently ältande and brooding. Dwelling is a way to try to convince yourself and find clarity and calmness to feel better.
Dwelling consists of two types of tanks that switches from one another in a stream of thoughts. One kind of thoughts are those of concern and unease. They act as "scarers" and is known as the uneasiness thoughts. They are followed by the other type of tanks. They have the function to try to eliminate uneasiness, uncertainty, doubt and discomfort caused. The tanks are called "comforting thoughts." They provide a calm, but only for brief moments. They are not effective enough and the turmoil will come pretty soon.
Olle Wadström uses in his book metaphor to dwelling is the brain's "tennis". When one side beats of a scary thought, then returns the other hand, a comforting thought, and every time a thought comes across on the other side to turn it back. The game can continue indefinitely.
What can we do to stop dwelling? When you feel discomfort, it is our human instinct to act to get rid of it. If we continue to see dwelling as a tennis match, so the solution is not to turn the ball back when uneasiness page has been serviced. Disinclination page will continue to beat serves a while, but when the consolation side does not hit back taking servers out and the game ends.
The technique used to achieve this is called acceptance. You have probably heard of acceptance. It is a way of relating to unwanted and unpleasant thoughts and feelings that are part of the psychotherapeutic method called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT. It's about that as a positive action chooses to accept the discomfort you feel and do not act on it, but chooses to behave based on what favors the short and long term. You can read more about how to do this at the behavioral level, and other tools to break his dwelling in Olle Wadström book. You can of course also choose to go into psychotherapy with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who teaches the ACT.
I want to give you some further reflections to consider. One way to act in a direction that may be helpful for you might be to be even more in the context where you can meet a man. Think happy on the social context in which it can be. How much interest you show when you meet a man you will find sympathetic and exciting? What signals about this, you might be even better at signaling?
And one last reflection. In times of anxiety and depression, it may be wise to avoid self-care as regularly drinking large amounts of alcohol, especially binge drinking. Alcohol can affect the function of the brain's reward system and the breakdown of neurotransmitters in the brain in a way that depression and anxiety are amplified in the long term. Especially in periods of life when one is vulnerable and are working to change his life, it might be wise to be cautious with alcohol.
And I hope my answers will be helpful for you!
You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.
I am a soon 23 year old woman who just started a university education. My "problem" may sound trite, but I find it very debilitating. Briefly, I spend an awful lot of my time to dwell on that I never had a boyfriend and worry that I will never get anywhere.
I go from blaming myself, to feel "abnormal" and unattractive, being self-pitying, etc., to feel the sheer panic that I will never fall in love and have a relationship. I realize how ridiculous it is, and I will certainly meet with somebody, it's only a matter of time, etc., but then I continue to brood and brood. My brooding can ruin a whole day for me and make me miserable, distracted, unsociable and taciturn. I become bitter and jealous when I see couples, and feel like everyone in my age either have, or have had, a relationship.
For about half a year ago I was depressed and then be this brooding most focused that I had never had sex. It went so far that I drank myself blind drunk, went out at the pub, and followed the first best thing to home. Was feeling after this horribly bad !! My obsession at this point becomes even stronger when I've been drinking, and I'm afraid that I can do something I'll regret again in a drunken state.
I want to know how to get rid of these "obsessions" and stop seeing myself as "abnormal". Do not know if this pondering really has to do with poor self-esteem or confirmation needs.
Grateful for answers and good advice on how I can get help with this!
Mira
Hi Mira
Thank you for your question. You talk about your dwelling and brooding, and when you do, you describe a very common human behavior.
Let's start here. You wonder what ältande really is. The psychologist Olle Wadström describes in the book Stop dwelling and pondering in a concrete and instructive how dwelling works and how to overcome it with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy. I recommend you to read the book as self-help.
Dwellings thoughts. Our dwelling is often futile attempts to find answers to questions you can not answer. It is sometimes also our way of thinking trying to protect us from anxiety or an anxiety that we have. We dwell happily also things that we think is embarrassing to ask about or talk about.
You wonder if ältande's "obsessions" and if it is with "low self esteem" to do. What we do know is that psychological state as obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder often have elements of persistently ältande and brooding. Dwelling is a way to try to convince yourself and find clarity and calmness to feel better.
Dwelling consists of two types of tanks that switches from one another in a stream of thoughts. One kind of thoughts are those of concern and unease. They act as "scarers" and is known as the uneasiness thoughts. They are followed by the other type of tanks. They have the function to try to eliminate uneasiness, uncertainty, doubt and discomfort caused. The tanks are called "comforting thoughts." They provide a calm, but only for brief moments. They are not effective enough and the turmoil will come pretty soon.
Olle Wadström uses in his book metaphor to dwelling is the brain's "tennis". When one side beats of a scary thought, then returns the other hand, a comforting thought, and every time a thought comes across on the other side to turn it back. The game can continue indefinitely.
What can we do to stop dwelling? When you feel discomfort, it is our human instinct to act to get rid of it. If we continue to see dwelling as a tennis match, so the solution is not to turn the ball back when uneasiness page has been serviced. Disinclination page will continue to beat serves a while, but when the consolation side does not hit back taking servers out and the game ends.
The technique used to achieve this is called acceptance. You have probably heard of acceptance. It is a way of relating to unwanted and unpleasant thoughts and feelings that are part of the psychotherapeutic method called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT. It's about that as a positive action chooses to accept the discomfort you feel and do not act on it, but chooses to behave based on what favors the short and long term. You can read more about how to do this at the behavioral level, and other tools to break his dwelling in Olle Wadström book. You can of course also choose to go into psychotherapy with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who teaches the ACT.
I want to give you some further reflections to consider. One way to act in a direction that may be helpful for you might be to be even more in the context where you can meet a man. Think happy on the social context in which it can be. How much interest you show when you meet a man you will find sympathetic and exciting? What signals about this, you might be even better at signaling?
And one last reflection. In times of anxiety and depression, it may be wise to avoid self-care as regularly drinking large amounts of alcohol, especially binge drinking. Alcohol can affect the function of the brain's reward system and the breakdown of neurotransmitters in the brain in a way that depression and anxiety are amplified in the long term. Especially in periods of life when one is vulnerable and are working to change his life, it might be wise to be cautious with alcohol.
And I hope my answers will be helpful for you!
You can ask and send in your questions to me here! And You can also follow me the Mr Chris Savage as Mental Health Life Coach Therapist and Artist, Author, Photographer, Writer on my various social media channels here.
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