Hello life coach
I miss my old best friend so much, and we did not hang out anymore. Due to that I said up and completed all our contact for quite a while ago.
But now in retrospect seems like it would be something that we should have been able to have solved instead, and this after this long and deep friendship that we had before together. But I was pretty damn hurt at the time.
Now it's been a while, and I have increasingly begun to realize that I miss my friend, and I would like nothing more than that everything was as it was before.
But my dilemma is that I do not dare to make contact again, and do not know how I should do to regain our friendship?
Movits
Hi Movits
The real art of apologizing
There is a story of two Jewish men who had survived the extermination camp. The men met after many years and spoke of what they had. One of them asked the other:
- Have you forgiven the Nazis?
- Yes, I've done that, replied the other.
- It's not me. I'm still filled with hatred and resentment against them for everything they did to us.
- In that case, my friend exclaimed the other, so they will keep you still captive in the camp.
The moral of this story is obvious -to forgive makes us winners, not losers. But is this really? Is not it rather insulting to suggest that the liberation from hatred and resentment of the survivor above is in fact the forgiveness?
But if we leave those horrific acts Nazis and Englas murderer guilty and instead discuss forgiveness in "everyday life". Certainly it is good to apologize? And it sure feels good when someone who has hurt us apologize! Or? Well, it depends on how and why the apology is performed, according to an article in Psychology Today (2/122012). The writer (Mark Goulston) illustrates the following dialogue between a father and son, the difference between the reflexively apologize and take responsibility for their actions:
“C’mon dad, just let me do this. I will take full responsibility for what happens.”
His dad replied, “Did you know that taking full responsibility means that if it goes wrong, you will willingly pay all the consequences without any argument, make amends and then correct what happened so it never goes wrong again?”
His son said, “I didn’t agree to that.”
His dad said, “Well what do you think taking full responsibility means?”
His son replied, “It means that if anything goes wrong, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry.’”
An obligatory apology is about wanting to get someone off your back;
a sincere apology is about wanting to be let off the hook;
a heartfelt apology is about wanting to repair a relationship
I miss my old best friend so much, and we did not hang out anymore. Due to that I said up and completed all our contact for quite a while ago.
But now in retrospect seems like it would be something that we should have been able to have solved instead, and this after this long and deep friendship that we had before together. But I was pretty damn hurt at the time.
Now it's been a while, and I have increasingly begun to realize that I miss my friend, and I would like nothing more than that everything was as it was before.
But my dilemma is that I do not dare to make contact again, and do not know how I should do to regain our friendship?
Movits
Hi Movits
The real art of apologizing
There is a story of two Jewish men who had survived the extermination camp. The men met after many years and spoke of what they had. One of them asked the other:
- Have you forgiven the Nazis?
- Yes, I've done that, replied the other.
- It's not me. I'm still filled with hatred and resentment against them for everything they did to us.
- In that case, my friend exclaimed the other, so they will keep you still captive in the camp.
The moral of this story is obvious -to forgive makes us winners, not losers. But is this really? Is not it rather insulting to suggest that the liberation from hatred and resentment of the survivor above is in fact the forgiveness?
But if we leave those horrific acts Nazis and Englas murderer guilty and instead discuss forgiveness in "everyday life". Certainly it is good to apologize? And it sure feels good when someone who has hurt us apologize! Or? Well, it depends on how and why the apology is performed, according to an article in Psychology Today (2/122012). The writer (Mark Goulston) illustrates the following dialogue between a father and son, the difference between the reflexively apologize and take responsibility for their actions:
“C’mon dad, just let me do this. I will take full responsibility for what happens.”
His dad replied, “Did you know that taking full responsibility means that if it goes wrong, you will willingly pay all the consequences without any argument, make amends and then correct what happened so it never goes wrong again?”
His son said, “I didn’t agree to that.”
His dad said, “Well what do you think taking full responsibility means?”
His son replied, “It means that if anything goes wrong, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry.’”
According to the American psychiatrist Pete Linnett shows the way we apologize on, if we have really understood our guilt and feel remorse. They are different ways to apologize on:
The obligatory apology: We apologize that we need or should be, and to be able to move on, not because we really feel deep within us that we have done wrong.
The honest excuse: It means we are honest when we express our apologies. But despite it's main purpose still be able to let go of what has happened and move on. The excuse is neither false or dishonest, but far from sufficient for it to feel really good for the recipient.
The heartfelt apology meant (heartfelt apology) is when we look at people as we have done evil straight in the eye when we apologize and really conveys our repentance. Through this we are signaling, "I have behaved badly and I know I made you sad and disappointed and that it will take a while before you have got to trust me again."
An obligatory apology is about wanting to get someone off your back;
a sincere apology is about wanting to be let off the hook;
a heartfelt apology is about wanting to repair a relationship
But what to do if it sincerely believed the apology is not accepted? If the recipient even scold us? Yes, according Linnet should say the following:
"I'm sorry you feel as you do, but I understand your reaction. What I did to you, you did not just sad, it hurt you in the soul and urförbannad ".
Then, wait. Quite a long time. If the person did not accept the apology after six months, it's no longer about you is unforgivable, but that the other person is implacable. And it requires a different type of processing.
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